My ideal man in 28 things

I often hear that if you want something, you must speak it into existence. This is me screaming to the universe about my ideal partner.

I don’t want you thinking that I check the list as soon as l meet someone, it doesn’t work like that (the first thing I do check though when a guy approaches me are his hands), I only do so when things start to look promising. My list is not that long, I’m not demanding.  These are the things and they are not presented in order of importance:

1. Intelligent: nothing beats deep and meaningful conversations; we can be silly sometimes but let us be able to talk about real and serious things. Otherwise, hamba ngini!
2. Great sense of humour: I love laughing, lets laugh together.
3. Don’t be arrogant: do not make feel stupid for complaining or saying out something that bothers me, not matter how silly or small it seems to you. I was once told, ‘yenza okubonayo’ WTF!
4. Supportive: encourage me. Even if its on something you have no idea about, show interest.
5. Takes beverage with percentage: it would be nice to have a glass of fermented grapes together; if you don’t take that kind of beverages then do not be the one to judge me.
6. Helpful: I will come asking for help, I mean you should be the first person I turn to anyway. Actually, sometimes you can decide to offer help: do somethings by yourself.
7. Apologise: saying sorry never hurt anybody. And its one of the most beautiful things you can ever say to me. I don’t have to force it out of you.
8. Not a nag: don’t be on my case when I get online and go offline without responding to your messages, obviously there is a reason for it. If you’re my boyfriend, you’re one of my favorite people and I definitely enjoy talking to you but let me breathe!
9. Have money: I am not after your money, I’m sure you’ll be self-willing to spend a dollar or few dollars on me hehhehe, don’t be rich (even though it’s not a big deal if you are) but be aware that you do need to earn some money and know how you’re going to do it.
10. Talk about yourself: I looove talking about myself but do talk about yourself as well. What did you dream, who annoyed you at work, what are you thinking…just talk to me.
11. Not a bore: let’s not do the same things over and over again.
12. Communicative: I talk a lot (though sometimes I am shy), so talk me, let us talk about anything really, from dog poop to today’s weather to discussing head shapes of passers-by. If you get quiet on me, what should l do with you? Go back home sir.
13. Not violent: that is not sexy at all.
14. Be spontaneous: nothing beats that. Quick grab my ass in the shops, a peck on the forehead in front of phamb’ kwabantu, a compliment in front of your close friends. Do something person of God!!!
15. Respectful: especially to women.
16. Dress code: I honestly don’t like men in suit. I do have an ex who loved (s) suits, Jesu!
17. Smell nice: I mean really
18. Don’t be uptight: I should feel free around you. I should be able to release wind around you, its just natural.
19. Hair: have hair on that head. DO NOT BE BALD.
20. Active: what am I honestly going to do with a boyfriend who just lazes around, a couch-potato. There are lazy days in a while but do something, have hobbies.
21. Facial looks: Don’t be too handsome. Don’t be scary either. Anyway, indoda yindoda ngobubi LOL.
22. Smart: be clean. If sneakers are white, let them be.
23. Honest: simple.
24. Open up: no matter how big or small open up, that doesn’t make you a sissy.
25. Tall: I am 172cm, so by all means; beat that.
26. Age: older than me. Preferably 4 years and above
27. Non-smoker: obabhemi guys? No thanks. I might as well stick my tongue on an ash tray.
28. Snu-snu(*wink-wink nudge-nudge*): Your snu-snu game should be on point. Imagine having roast duck ALL THE DAMN TIME?!

Potential bae doesn’t have to tick all the boxes of course, that’s just impossible but if you meet most of these things, then we good to go. I can settle for a bald head who ticks most of the boxes, than a sneaker bae who is arrogant, mean, a liar and boring.

So, if my future bae is in these streets and are 100% confident that you tick at least half of the things in the list, that’s okay move along. I am not currently looking.

And if you were to meet each and every thing on the list but still not truly love me, it won’t work.